adjective
unfamiliar and disturbing or distasteful : her body was alien to her
Please stay calm, I have not literally morphed into an alien.
Though, There are days that feel I have physically morphed into one. Within recent years, I often feel trapped inside someone else's body. There is no way this is the same body I used to hike mountains, climb trees, run marathons, and lift weights with. No way! I can hardly fathom doing what I used to now. How did I even do it? I can't remember the last time I felt good enough to do any of those things regularly, let alone work with some consistency. My friends and colleagues used to call me the "energizer bunny," as it seemed my strength and vitality were limitless. Those were the days. Now I live in a body that has been sucked dry of all energy beyond pure existence. And the worst part: I don't have a cure.
Let's look at how my body has changed in just the past year. (Gulp!) Aside from from a harsh increase in pain, inflammation, nausea, fatigue and a general ill feeling, I have watched my exterior change as well. Last summer, I was a light 135 lbs for my 5'6.5" frame, 18% body fat, and could run five miles like it was a walk in the park. Yet, this was still "poor" considering what I was used to. Normally, I preferred to be my usual, 125 lbs, 15% body fat, and enjoy an easy 8 mile run. After three surgeries, on-going hormone therapy, pain pills, and a number of invasive tests, my physical body has taken quite a toll. I don't get to workout 5-7 days a week like I used to. These days I'm lucky to average three or four workouts a week. /#momentoftruth/ Now I measure in at 155 lbs, 29% body fat, and running 2 miles is a challenge on average, if possible. This is devastating for me, a personal trainer, and "fit" person. I am not overweight, but when I look in the mirror, I see someone else. Yet I eat healthier than I ever have in all my life and watch my body lose it's shape anyways. I can handle the pain, but watching myself turn into someone I don't recognize, really makes me hate my diseases. It's a challenge mentally, knowing that everyone who watches my body change as well, thinks that I'm laying in bed watching soaps and eating bon bons all day. Only a fraction of that is true, I do lay in bed all day 60% of the time. However, I workout every chance I feel well enough to, eat freakishly clean, and read non-fiction books in my spare time. I have no regrets for the effort I put into keeping myself in shape, it just feels unfair that I don't reap the benefits aesthetically. Sometimes life is just unfair. This is simply my life's challenge, and I must never give up. I will never stop trying. We are worth every effort.
I'll get my body back - no matter what it takes. Hormone therapy will not win. Medicine will not win. Disease will NOT win. Who's with me?
As someone who benefited and reached one of the most physically fit periods of my life with your help...I can say with confidence that I know your condition is something that you will overcome. I've seen you at your strongest physically...but what you must know my friend...which is something I think you already know...is that no physical strength can ever match that of the strength of your character...of who you are as a person. There is a Morgan deep inside...one that transcends physical time and space...and one who cannot be defined by an illness or physical fitness. The fit and energetic "morgue" that I know has been a physical manifestation of that strength of character. It seems that now that strength has been called upon to aid in the struggle for health in another area.
ReplyDeleteI believe you will return to looking and feeling how you once did. I believe that you are learning what you need to learn from all of this. And I believe you know how truly strong you really are. I can't tell you how proud of myself I was when you helped get to where I arrived. It was a feeling that I had missed and had not been able to find for some time.
Thank you my friend! Please keep up the fight and never give up! You continue to inspire those around you by example...myself included.
Hugs!
e :-)
P.S. It's strange how illness can help us find who we really are. When a person has mastered their body...it seems as if the body finds a new way to challenge our character. I think you have mastered the body of an average person...so you've been given a harder challenge. No doubt you will prevail.
Thank you, E!!! This is very inspiring and even made me get teary-eyed :-) I completely agree with you though, this is my body's new way to challenge my character. I SO appreciate your encouragement and support! Keep up those Morgue workouts ;-)
DeleteAs you are learning, chronic illness is a peculiar, maddening and ongoing roller coaster. You have already unlocked the most important key to kicking its most significant challenges, however. Wellness is a mindset, not the state of your body. Your body may do what it will, but, as I have learned, it will take some cues from your head. Not always, but often, and particularly after you get it trained! You are a tough cookie. You body has faith in you. I promise it gets better.
ReplyDeleteGirl I am so proud of your spirit! I love you and know that your faith and courage will and has pulled you through!
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